Life and Afterlife Coaching: "What to Do When You're Dating an Unavailable Partner"

Acting Up

As we discussed with one of our callers on the show tonight (Zodiac Girls with Special Guest Dawn Wells), we may look to make an unavailable partner available when we've been emotionally or physically abandoned by a parent. We are essentially reenacting our parental relationship and trying to win their affections in order to heal the past. We've chosen our lover to play the reprised role of "parent", and they're not even aware that there was a casting call. We try to be the director of the relationship, but the more controlling we become, the more we push them away. We often become desperate to fix the past, slipping into a survival mechanism from childhood based on a time when we were dependent upon adults for access to food and shelter. Our partner may do their best to fulfil our needs, but it's unreasonable of us to expect someone to replace what we didn't have before. It isn't anyone else's job to fix us. The more we try to fix someone or get them to give us what we perceive as our "reparations" simply because we feel entitled to it, the more that trust diminishes and the relationship erodes. When the show is over and a breakup occurs, the pain is often disproportionate to the situation because it triggers childhood abandonment memories. Remember, "if it's hysterical, it's historical"*. Trying to get an unavailable (long-distance, married, emotionally distant, on-again-off-again, etc.) person to be there for us is a losing battle that often ends in disappointment because the person we've chosen has shown us they are not a candidate for showing up for us in the ways we would want them to. Assume a person's character or circumstances are not going to change, then ask yourself "Does this still work for me if this person never changes?". Check your motivations. Why would you want to be with someone who can't be with you? It's like going to the "hardware store to get milk"*...it's just not available.

So what are the solutions when we find ourselves in this situation? To begin with, awareness is essential. Being in denial of the issue and blaming the other person or saying "it's just the way men are" or "it's just the way women are" is an easy way to deal with the issue, but taking responsibility for our part in the dynamic gives us hope of finding a remedy to this quite common quandary. Once you can admit your part in things, you are ready to take action. Whether you are single, dating, or in a relationship right now, make a list of your deal breakers. If you date someone who exhibits one of your deal breakers, be like the casting director and say "Next!" Then make a list of what you are looking for in a partner. Add some gratitude at the top or bottom of the page(s). You can write something like: "Thank you, Universe, for sending me this loving partner who is physically, intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, and sexually available to me and compatible with me." Try to feel and imagine the reality of having this person in your life. Feel it in your body, believe it as if you were an actor, seeing what you would see and hearing what you would hear if this ideal match were here beside you today. On a spiritual level, they already are connected to you. It's just a matter of time before this meaningful connection manifests itself on the physical plane. The third component of this healing process is to cultivate faith. If you are to find someone available who really wants a relationship, they will find you because they are looking. Ask the Universe to send you a healthy relationship. This is not a magic spell; it is subconscious reprogramming to break past patterns through self-hypnosis. Now go have some fun, do the things you love, and into your life will come a fun thing to love...often when you least expect it! <3 *Author Unknown